Fun with Fugaku
by Sasuke's darkside
Summary: Between dodging his secretly evil wife and his eldest son becoming gay to spite her, Fugaku finds himself teaming up with his youngest against the Hyuga head and Heiress, finger-painting at dawn style.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer ; I do not own Naruto

Disclaimer ; I do not own Naruto.

Summery ; Between dodging his secretly evil wife and his eldest son becoming gay to spite her, Fugaku finds himself teaming up with his youngest against the Hyuga head and Heiress, finger-painting at dawn style. 

Chapter 1 ; The Summer Festival Blues

Fugaku Uchiha was a proud man, so if one where to ask him why he was at the Konoha summer festival instead of doing some of the police work he was known for relishing in, he would tell you that he's discreetly building character profiles on various villagers.

What he wouldn't tell you is that his sweet, adorable, seemingly innocent wife had brutally bitch slapped him and threatened him with castration earlier that night when he told her of his plans to catch up on some paper work and maybe go out for a few drinks with the guys afterwards.

"It's such a beautiful night, what do you boys want to do ?" asked Mikoto Uchiha as she walked along side her grumpy Husband and two sons.

"I want to go see the petting zoo !" spit out the young Sasuke excitedly.

"Alright, you want to come with us Itachi, or do you want your Father to bring you somewhere else ?" if one listened carefully now they would hear Fugaku muttering,

"Earn my love, earn daddy's love." Over and over again under his breath.

"There's a ninjutsu display I want to see, it's in the opposite direction." Stated Itachi calmly.

"Well, I can't disappoint little Itachi, now can I ? I mean, you try saying no to that face." This might have been more convincing if Itachi wasn't glaring darkly at Fugaku for being called little.

A quick goodbye and Fugaku and Itachi were quickly of in the other direction.

"Give me twenty and we'll meet back here in an hour with big smiles on our faces, old man." Said Itachi as they exited Mikoto's line of vision, Fugaku happily handed over the money.

With his family problems sorted for the next hour or so Fugaku set out to find one of his friends, all the while being obsessively careful to avoid his wife.

"Fugaku, I see you managed to escape your wife too ?" asked Nara Shikaku, a close friend of Fugaku's.

"You fool, don't say that so loudly !" yell/whispered Fugaku quickly pulling the Nara into an alley.

"You know, people are going to start wondering about us." Said the Nara, used to his friend dragging him into alleys to hide.

"Yea, Well things would be an awful lot easier if I did swing that way, Sadly Dragon(1) doesn't quite agree." Muttered Fugaku, glaring down at his 'Dragon'.

"So your still insisting on naming your dick." Asked Shikaku with a raised eyebrow.

"Ah, some men name there swords, others name there d-" Fugaku began but was cut off by an enraged shout.

"Nara Shikaku !" roared said mans wife.

"Got to go Shika !" and off Fugaku went, in a silently dignified/terrified dash away from his friends evil wife, the last time he had stuck around to give moral support to his friend the Nara's wife had accused him of cheating on her, with Fugaku !

"Godspeed, my friend." Called Shikaku whimsically over his shoulder to his friend, but not loud enough for his wife to hear, he didn't need to get into _that_ again.

Stopping to catch his breath against a display stand Fugaku panted heavily for a couple of minutes before he felt a tugging on his pant leg.

"Father ?" it was little Sasuke, how on earth had he escaped his Mothers clutches, perhaps he had underestimated the boy. Noticing the boy was picking his nose Fugaku quickly took this back.

"I can't win at the game !" announced Sasuke pointing at a stand a couple of meters away.

"Nonsense son, Uchiha's can do anything, show me this 'game'." Demanded the Uchiha head.

"Uchiha, can't say I'm surprised to see you here, do you play children's games often." Exclaimed Hyuga Hiashi, accompanied by his daughter, at the games stand, the game was a simple throwing shuriken at bull's-eyes game. 

"It's the price one pays to be a good father, do you play these games Hyuga ?" asked Fugaku somewhat annoyed.

"Not at all, I wouldn't know the first thing about these games." Declared the outraged Hiashi.

"I suppose a children's game maybe a little difficult for you." Jibed Fugaku, not noticing Hiashi discreetly pick up a hand full of shuriken, to busy grabbing a handful of his own.

"Oh, we'll see Uchiha." As soon as it was said both ninja entered a tense silence, it was finally broken when Hinata gave a small cough, both men spun and released their Shuriken.

"We missed ?" asked the dumfounded Uchiha head.

"I think the games rigged, Uchiha." Stated Hiashi as both men turned to glare with Sharingan and Byakugan empowered eyes at the stand owner.

"Let's get him !"

"Ah Home sweet Home." Sighed Fugaku as he sat in his favourite seat looking at a colouring Sasuke had done of him using a Katon Jutsu on the stand owner, the Uchiha head had been unable to find his eldest or wife and had decided to count his blessings and bring Sasuke home.

At that moment, when Fugaku had just started into some sake and felt like everything was just perfect, Murphy's Law decided to intervene.

"Fugaku Uchiha ! You won't believe what I found your son doing." Roared Mikoto as she entered the Uchiha home, Fugaku always found it funny that when Itachi gets high grades he's _our_ son, and whenever he does something wrong or stupid he became _your_ son.

"Actually, it was more like _who_ he was doing !" Fugaku knew this wasn't going to end well.

"Who, darling ?" asked Fugaku, 'That's it be all sweet to her and save your balls.' Thought Fugaku as Itachi entered the room.

"Hana Inuzuka ! Honestly Itachi you could do better than that cheap whore." Complained Mikoto angrily.

"Well if you have such a problem with it then I won't see her again." Amended Itachi, Fugaku couldn't believe it, it was too good to be true.

"Because I've decided that I'm gay !" shouted Itachi, causing Fugaku to begin hitting head off the coffee table, none too lightly either.

Haha what do you think, I figure if I'm making the Uchiha brothers so crazy that they have to get it from somewhere.

Yes, Fugaku is one of those guys.

Make sure you review, it gets you more chapters, wow I sound like an arrogant bastard don't I.

R&R 


	2. Love and kisses

Disclaimer ; I do not own Naruto

Disclaimer ; I do not own Naruto.

Summery ; Between dodging his secretly evil wife and his eldest son becoming gay to spite her, Fugaku finds himself teaming up with his youngest against the Hyuga head and Heiress, finger-painting at dawn style.

Chapter 2 ;

Fugaku was having a wonder-full day, his wife had decided to go out shopping with her sisters, and while he was sure that the bill he would receive would easily shorten his life by 10 years, things were great for now, just lying back, watching chunin exam reruns and having a beer.

That's when Itachi entered the room, dragging a white haired boy behind him.

"Greetings Father, this is my lover Kabuto !" announced Itachi causing Fugaku to spit out the beer he was drinking.

"Lover ? You said we were friends, Itachi ?" asked a now startled Kabuto, Itachi simply waved him off.

"Quiet fool ! He's just shy father, I think it's um ah c-cu-cute !" Itachi corrected struggling furiously with the end, it went against every fibre in his being.

"Itachi, what on earth are you doing? Kabuto obviously hasn't come out of the closet yet !" sighed an annoyed Fugaku, Itachi had been practising on him for his eventual confrontation with Mikoto.

"No, your wrong father, you just don't understand the deep love we share !" yelled Itachi madly as Fugaku shook his head dejectedly.

"Um, Itachi, this is a little weird for me, so I think I'll just leave." Stuttered Kabuto before make a run for it.

"Wait, what ! Get back here you coward !" roared Itachi, shaking his fist angrily in the direction Kabuto went.

"Don't worry son, there are plenty more fish in the sea." Offered Fugaku giving Itachi a pat on the shoulder.

"Genius Father ! Mother would surely hate the idea of me dating a fish !" Itachi exclaimed excitedly, quickly rushing off to do something Fugaku really didn't want to think about.

xXxXx

"Father, will you take me to the park ?" asked the innocent and oh so cute little Sasuke.

"Sasuke, do you really think I, under any circumstance, would do something as degrading as playing in a park ?" asked Fugaku recalling a bad experience involving; the park, Itachi, and one of his jutsu.

"Well, Hinata said her fathers going to.." Sasuke began but was cut off by Fugaku leaping from his chair.

"Hyuga ! Sasuke go prepare yourself, today we shall play and bond better than any father and child has ever in the history of the world, Mwahahahaha !" Fugaku continued his mad laughter as Sasuke went to get his toys.

xXxXx

As it so happened Fugaku's confrontation with Hiashi wasn't as climatic as he had hoped it would be, it wasn't really climatic at all. He just wound up sharing a bench with the man and his own friend Shikaku Nara watching the children play.

"How interesting, since you're son found everything to troublesome my daughter and this baka's spawn have decided to bury him." Observed Hiashi as Shikamaru was buried in the sand bow unknowingly during his nap.

"Shouldn't you step in Shika ?" asked Fugaku amazed that Shikamaru still hadn't noticed.

"Nah, it'd be to troublesome, besides I don't think Hinata has the physical capacity to bury a mole, and Sasuke's been staring off in the distance for a while now." Explained Shikaku pointing out where Hinata struggled to carry a bucket of sand to the napping Nara and where Sasuke stood zoned out.

"What is he starring at ?" asked Fugaku quirking an eyebrow.

"Maybe he has inherited your mental capacity Uchiha." Insulted Hiashi as the three men followed the young boys gaze, which was, oddly enough, focused on a kissing couple, Fugaku paled.

"Oh no !" gasped Fugaku, as they saw Sasuke turn from the couple with a weird look on his face.

"What's wrong Uchiha, afraid you're going to have to give him the talk or something ?" jibbed Hiashi with a snort, somehow looking dignified while doing so.

"No, I've seen this with Itachi before." Said Fugaku in a ghastly whisper.

"Seen what ?" asked Hiashi right before Sasuke answered his question himself, the young Uchiha marched across the playground towards the Hyuga heir, smacked her bucket of sand from her hands and pinned her against the side of a playhouse, that's when he began kissing her passionately.

"The boy's a chip off the old block heh ?" asked Shikaku with a low whistle, he had been there when Itachi pulled his own version of the stunt, though the elder Uchiha had decided that 16 year old Kurenai was a better choice, even if he himself was only five.

That's about the time that Hiashi let off a surprisingly girly scream before rushing over to his daughter and tearing the Uchiha off of her.

Sasuke looked heartbroken for all of five minutes before he got another weird look on his face.

That's when he looked over to the still sleeping Shikamaru…..

xXxXx

Fugaku sighed wearily from his place behind his desk in Konoha's police station, it hadn't went well when Itachi had brought a gold fish to dinner insisting it was his soul mate.

That said it had been quite funny when Mikoto had cooked the fish and served the fish to the eldest Uchiha boy. If looks could kill.

Then things had taken a turn for the worse once more when Sasuke announced that he was going to marry not only Hinata, but Shikamaru too.

Of course Itachi had applauded his younger brother, muttering something along the lines of 'Multiple partners, why didn't I think of that ?'

Luck had been on Fugaku's side though and Sasuke's announcement had caused Mikoto to faint.

So now the proud Uchiha head was estimating how long it would take hiding in his office till his wife calmed down, well getting drunk was always an option till then.

xXxXx

Fugaku stumbled into his home the following morning, drunk as a lord, or a certain future Hokage, so it was no surprise that he wasn't cowering his boots when his wife confronted him with a rolling pin in hand.

"Where in Sharingan's name have you been ?" asked the enraged Uchiha woman.

"Getting drunk in a strip club with some of the guys." Fugaku was currently breaking the number one rule of marriage, never tell your wife the truth, if you did something bad, lie your way out of it, if you did something good, exaggerate it for all it's worth, and if you didn't actually do anything at all, make up some bat shit crazy story about your strength, bravery ect, but never, ever tell the truth.

"What !" shouted the enraged woman foaming at the mouth.

"You know you're kinda hot when you're mad." Fugaku probably though this was a compliment, but that's because he was forgetting some other rules, 1. 'hot' isn't a compliment, for all the good it'll do you, you may as well have call her 'whorish' or 'slutty'. 2. 'Kinda' isn't an adverb, it's like saying 'almost' or 'nearly'. To Summarise, Fugaku might as well have said 'You know you're almost beautiful, if it wasn't for how whorish you look when you're mad.'

"How dare yo- epp" squeaked Mikoto as Fugaku suddenly pinched her ass.

"How would you like to ride the dragon baby !" Fugaku figured not a lot when Mikoto's rolling pin connected with his head.

Fugaku swore he'd never drink again, though then again this was like his umpteen time to swear that.

xXxXx

Sorry about the delay, I've been quite caught up in the manga and have been having a serious case of writers block for my humour stories, tell me if you think it's cleared up.

R&R


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